Ahhh...sweet sweet confusion. How I know thee so well. Old friend, stranger. Cataclysmic thoughts of self destruction. I've regained a steady rock on which I used to lean. Careful not to become dependant again. Careful now. But I smile so sweetly at the thought of something I held dear now being within my grasp again. I take it for granted. I'll try to heal that reluctant mistake. My flaws. So many. Allies hold the beating stick ready to knock some sence into me. I hold the shimmering blade ready to cut relief into myself. If I cant get it on my own I will force it into myself. I continue to shuffle lightly in discomfort. I know that no immediate action is neccesary- yet it is always on my mind. I know as well that something must be done. Vague spirals of ideas whirl through my head...abandoning me as quickly as they came. Leaving my forsaken mind crying out for an answer...crying out. Until I no longer know who is hurting me anymore. Is it them, or is it me? Am I just hurting myself? I seek to self destruct once more...the ticking time bomb counting down and I can count on nothing. I wonder how long I can last..until it becomes almost a game in my head. I become suspicious of people betting behind my back "how long can she last? Lets push her once more..." as they poke and prod me towards the edge in their hopes of winning their riches...forgetting that they use me as a middle-man. Forgetting I have an energy coursing throughout me..the light inside my spirit that is life. The very same light that fuels their own selfish advances fuels my tired melancholic movements. I grow to weak to even defend myself. I grow so weak that I work WITH them against myself. What a traitor I've become. An apathetic betrayal to myself. I've abandoned myself just the way they have, have I not? Yet it feels so good...the familiar pain...counting down so quickly from whole numbers...to decimals...to dead zero. And then just when I take for granted that there are no numbers left to disgard...nothingness disintegrates into negative numbers...losing things I was unaware of...below zero. Below zero Into infinity...I remember now how they tell me it never ends. And I'm the only one that can stop it...but I sit unmoving and pray for it to stop itself. An impossibility..and I pray for a miracle. And the godess Laughs in my face as I cut out my tears once more and they mix with my crying eyes and the rain that my life's become melting everything away, below zero, untill nothing is left and still more is thrown into this abyssal nightmare. I have nothing, but there's always something to lose. And when there is nothing but the pain...the pain becomes familiar. the only part of the real world that I have left to hold onto. And I wonder which is better: to hold onto the pain? Or to let go and fall below zero?